I’ve finally been taking pictures lately. I think I’m going to start writing again. I seriously felt like I was going insane. No lie, this happened last week.
At work I went to the bathroom. I said to the toilet, “Amd there’s more where that came from!” And then I stood there for about a minute dumbfounded that I has just talked to a toilet. And I threatened it. Humhum.
Everything is so loud. I wish I could have appreciated quietness when I was younger. I would tromp around the forest and old ruins of original american foundations and gawk at the foliage and runes. I would sing and dance and play in the creek. The smell of water and iron ore wafed through my clothes and prickled my awkward sandal-tan lined feet. We would sing Joni Mitchell and talk about video games. And all of IT was all around us. Nature like I have never seen it, and nature like I haven’t seen it since. I wish I was there again, but this time, I would stop talking and singing, and I would just listen.
I am so sick of staring at illuminated rectangles.
Sometimes I’m really comforted by my lack of sleep. It used to be the time when I would write the most and make the most art (specifically stencils and pastel pieces). Now, however, I’ve become too responsible. I have all these numbers and count downs in my head (5 hrs until yoga class, 3 days until I host a few college friends at my house, $60 on a refund, 1.7% interest, 47 more tips to work on, $10 and hour for 7 hours, oh and 8 hrs of sleep) what does it all translate too?
I’m constantly adding and subtracting in my head what it all means, and all I have is a big mess of dividends, sums, and products. It’s all this socially contrieved bullshit, time, money, interest, etc. It really doesn’t mean anything, and yet we force it on to our lives. It constrains us.
Instead when I can’t sleep, I toss and turn and add all the hours lost from my insomina and subtract it from how much I need and calculate how energized I will be at work. All for what? To make money? I miss writing at three am and listening to the quiet around me. Quiet. That’s something I really miss. That and sleep.