The past 24 hours have been so weird in the best (and most eye opening) kind of ways. One day I’ll write about my experience yesterday, but for now I’m still processing.
Instead, I’m going to focus on today. I woke up this morning after having an amazing dream about flying and swimming. I have those dreams often. I dream about swimming fast and flying through the air. I dream about floating in the water and preparing for a meet. I dream about my body being fluid. One of my ex boyfriends (I don’t even know if I can actually call him that) was in the dream. I felt like it’s been long enough, ok, I’ll talk to him. It’s been three years since the last time we talked and almost 4 since the last time I saw him. I’ve changed, I’m sober, it’s time for me to apologize.
So, through facebook, I ended up apologizing for how I was when we were ‘together’ (in the loosest of words). We didn’t delve into particular actions, but he apologized too. I finally feel like that era’s over and I can forget and forgive and not have it stir me up. It makes me understand AA has the step to apologize to those who you have wronged. It helps you to move forward and just… get over it.
“I don’t know how to not come off creepy about this, because I feel creepy anytime I message a girl on here, but I’d totally be down to give you a foot massage. You can “reply very selectively” to this, but it’s a free foot massage…I don’t see what’s not to like.”
I thought my response was pretty good:
"Ah, I reply selectively? I thought I was pretty good at replying. I’m going to have to decline a foot massage, because that is a rather upfront way of asking and thus makes me a little uncomfortable. But good luck with your future endeavors.”
So, I’m working on a short story. I have been working on short stories about new jersey. I started writing a somewhat autobiographic short story about my experience at teaneck high school. Basically — it sucked to be white. I know that sounds ridiculous. White privilege, white guilt, white power. But, through the years of talking with some of my white friends, we all felt like whiteness was wrong. It’s so strange. Anyway, the story started really going downhill. Sometimes it’s best not to write something too close to you. I wanted to write about how ugly I used to think my skin was and how I didn’t know how to deal with being white. But it became a huge mess.
Instead I’m writing from the perspective of an unnamed Dominican girl. Should I feel guilty about toeing the line of stereotypes? I don’t think so. I don’t want to create stereotypes, but instead create empathy for individuals who are born into situations no matter what their skin color. My experience in teaneck has shaped me to consider the stories of others. So many people from my high school came from homes of negativity. Does that determine their lives?, how they act?, their destiny? Not necessarily, but it may contribute to some behaviors.
I’ll see where this story goes. It’s already changing. I just want to fall in love with a character and feel their story as it needs to be told.
is so good. I mean of course I just love bon iver. But I really enjoy the vocals and layers and musical shifts. The lyrics are really beautiful. Just had to share. Jesus look at me, tumbling this much. I used to rarely use tumblr. I guess dats what happens when you work an office job.
on the right said of the bed this morning. I think it’s because I ended my night right — cuddling with the roomies and debriefing about my latest date. Comparing leg hairs and feeling so comfortable with these people I just met 2 months ago.
My day starts right too, The-Dream + Beyonce + Sleigh Bells are great to listen to while walking to work.
Gonna meet some professional football players tonight. Go Seahawks! Nothing to complain about here.
Yesterday I went on a date. Let me know if you agree or not.
Lack of communication that he/she will be 45 minutes late
Texting/calling/not paying attention to the road when driving your date
Throwing money at cashiers as if they are scum
Flipping strangers off (without any provocation)
Not asking your date if it’s OK to take them somewhere else after the first part of the date
Bragging about prolific drug use
It was an interesting experience to see what parts of the dating world are like: even though I might just be looking for short term dating/hanging out/friends, we still look for partners who have certain qualities. I want to invest in someone who I could be friends with for a while (even if that’s not what I’m especially looking for). I don’t specifically think of how I might have a reciprocal relationship with someone, but I know a bad date is someone I subtly realize there’s no reciprocity. I don’t want to give them my time and vulnerability and I certainly don’t want their gifts (whether it’s food, activities, presents, etc).
Going from a long term relationship to the dating scene/meeting new people has been an extreme culture shock. It’s a different way to see myself; to recognize what qualities people notice first about me. It’s refreshing. A new perspective.
When I woke up this morning, I thought, “Thank God it’s Saturday so I can sleep more.” I was very disappointed when I realized it was Tuesday. I don’t know if I’ve been so tired because of sleep or because of the detox my housemates and I are on. I’m convinced I’m not getting enough calories, but, I don’t even feel like eating all the time. I’m doing the detox to learn from my body and to do a hard reset.
I feel like I should write more, but I don’t really have anything to say. I’m boring when I’m happy.